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giggling to myself

As of late and due to various situations in my life, I have been prompted to face the fact that I am not very patient when it comes to waiting. Outside of the circumstances in which I find myself waiting, I would say that I’m pretty patient-- I teach high school for crying out loud. I feel like in order to do that well, one must have a higher-than-average level of patience. What I’m realizing is that it’s a totally different kind of patience.

I can have patience for others, but I am finding it quite a challenge to have patience with myself.

Which just makes me laugh, to be honest. Because I know the verses about waiting on the Lord--I've got the knowledge. I also know that it’s worth it. There's just a part of me that wishes I could just fast-forward on a couple details and get to the spot where I can be like, Ah, look at how God worked this out!

I am such a fixer and seeker of resolution that I notice it’s sometimes a daily act to not put my hands all over something in order for it achieve some clarity or direction or resolution. Truth be told, it can be an hourly effort depending on the day. And if I notice I'm not waiting well, I make plans to keep me busy and occupied...which will be a separate entry in here somewhere.

I’ve got a couple dreams/goals/ambitions in mind that literally will not happen A) if God doesn’t let it, but B) if I don’t do about 21 things first. This acceptance makes me giggle (out loud, literally in this coffee shop) because it is so easy for me to recognize that everything has a process to it and how wildly important that process is that I wouldn’t want to skip it if given the option. I want to put in the time and effort and focus to be able to steward the next chapter well. The main one I am talking about is writing and how it shows up in my life.

For a while here, I got confused about what my writing needed to look like. I think this is from reading more than I have in the past and for pleasure. I am a studier of writing and love to examine the craft moves authors make-- I could talk about writing all day. I am fascinated by syntax and alliteration and why authors break the rules. Then I look at my own writing and topics I want to discuss, and I think I’ve shut down a little. I’ve thought that my writing (and the sharing of said writing) wouldn’t make much of a difference in the scope of the world… I am an all-or-nothing kind of girl… And now that I’m staring at that sentence on the screen, I am giggling again at the connection that this has to my patience. Wowwy.

And since I’m processing in real time how much of an all-or-nothing approach I take to much of my life (writing, dating, rhythms, diets, exercise...yikes), it is no surprise to me that this false perception of the significance and purpose of my writing has stifled the rhythm of just writing.

I mean, I said I was gonna write for 30 days and look at the progress and consistency. Hahahah.

So here I am, coming face to face with myself and my sub-par abilities to follow through on a detail that honestly, kind of terrifies me. I think writing terrifies me because I think it’ll play a more pivotal role in my life than I want to take on at the moment. I think it’ll have an ability to dismantle what I thought my life would like and create a shift that will require risk and vulnerability and grind.

I like comfort. I like quiet. I like control. I like security.

Writing more won’t give me that.

Writing more will sharpen a craft that will be evident in a major chapter in the story of my life. I think it'll be the way I can encourage more people that a life well-lived is one that is transparent, earnest, and curious.

So here's to continuing to trying to figure things out and inviting you to do the same.

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