I find myself incredibly intimidated by the future. Not scared. Not worried. Just incredibly intimidated.
I have quite a bit of work to do before I graduate in just over a month… cue the heavy breathing. Portfolio completion, presentation of said portfolio, other coursework, a final paper that covers a topic I am greatly interested in though know it will take a lot of work to cover fully. Oh, and finding a job in a new city (most likely). And the city I thought I was headed to, I’m not so sure anymore.
These stressors are good stressors. I think sometimes when I look at my to-do list, I forget that. I see them as things I have to get done rather than tasks that come with the blessings I’ve been given. It’s a part-time job just trying to keep that straight! But so worthwhile. I have to remind myself that people are praying for what I have right now. Goodness Hannah, sit down for a second.
But the (many) moments I forget this, I become overwhelmed. I struggle to put the things I need to get done on a priority list and instead take them all on at once, thinking they all should have been done yesterday—when I’m really not far behind at all. I become too farsighted though. I take on too much at once:
I’ve got to get this analysis done that’s due tomorrow.
But I also need to read for class.
And then Wednesday my portfolio is due so I need to edit these pieces again because this is the most important presentation of my life so far.
What am I gonna wear for this presentation?
I should wear eyeliner for this.
Do I need to go buy an outfit?
But then Thursday my project proposal is due.
And I gotta get these essays graded at some point.
That will need to wait till next week.
Oh, I graduate in a month. Then what are you doing, Hannah?
I need to find a job.
Where do I look?
What do I do?
I also need to exercise at some point.
I also need Doritos.
You don’t need Doritos.
Yes I do, Hannah. Don't tell me what I don't need.
You know it’s hitting the fan when you start talking to yourself like a conversation.
So this morning, I forced myself to pray out loud. It felt uncomfortable. It felt forced. But I knew that speaking out loud the truths of my life would (hopefully) reset my mind. It didn’t. I stayed heavy. So I read my devotionals, and they were nice. They didn’t seem specifically relevant to my current struggle, though still good. So I read a proverb. Neat word tracks, but again, still heavy. Lord, what do I do? SOS
I began to cry. Just staring out the window at the poorly trimmed bush outside my window. Overwhelmed by emotion, I could feel my brain shutting down. So I googled: bible verse God with you. I literally googled it.
I clicked the first link, and the first verse was Joshua 1:9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with your wherever you go.
Then I cried again because it felt like whoever was sitting on my chest finally got up.
How quickly I forgot to consider the heart of the God who is beside me. The same God who told me He has plans for me, to be still and let Him fight for me, that He is at my right hand. The same God who divided the sea from the sky is guiding me. Breathe Hannah... (a different kind of talking to yourself).
So for the next hour, I will rest and keep working. And when the worry and anxiety surfaces again, because I’m human, I will remind myself of this verse and His goodness…even if it’s part of the weird conversation I have with myself.