Welcome to the KINDLING extension of “The Initial ‘Yes’” Series on the podcast! If you haven’t listened to that episode yet, go to Soundcloud or Apple Podcasts to catch up.
If you’re here after listening to the podcast, you are here for the juicy details… and to be honest, you’ll only get a little. I’m not gonna expose this guy involved or tell you his name or occupation but I can tell you a little bit more about the nature of the relationship.
Because let’s be honest, if you’re anything like me, you live for these details.
So we met in December of 2018 in kind of happenstance circumstances. He was, and still is (at the time of posting this), waiting on an answer for a career change. He has been waiting longer than expected so logistically we should’ve never met if everything had gone to plan for him.
Shortly after meeting and getting to know each other, we started dating more intentionally. Within about a month or so, he drew the line of friendship to be mindful of investing in a relationship that he planned to end if he left to pursue the job he was waiting to hear back on. I understood where he was coming from, but I didn’t think it was right for me to just walk away and stop speaking (that's how I usually play it). We tried to “just enjoy each other until he left” thinking he was getting a call shortly after the conversation.
Three and a half months later and still no call, I found myself struggling to be friends in a way that protected my heart and kept him in my life. It became difficult for me to stay close to him without investing more of my heart. I grew irritated with the situation and the struggle, sometimes taking it out on him in angsty reactions. I spent a lot of time trying to figure out why I had little patience with him because those reactions were counter to how I interact with everyone else…
Finally, I knew the “friend” line needed to be drawn for my own sake. I knew I had to take a big step back in effort to protect my heart that was still invested in a relationship that no longer existed. It wasn’t until I faced this task I knew God put on my heart, did I see how terrible I was at being obedient with this. I realized the angst I felt was fruit of my delay in obedience. (Yikes)
I didn’t trust that life would be awesome after I drew lines that established me “single”.... Again.
The day after I talked with him about these new boundaries, I sat in a coffee shop by myself waiting for a friend. It was like Jesus Himself was sitting across from me when I heard this statement in my mind: You can go one of two ways with this: You can learn from this or you can be upset with this. What’re you gonna pick?
It felt like my arms moved on their own, opened to a new page in my journal, and cataloged the lessons I learned over the last six months.
And honestly, there are moments when I’m irritated by how things have come to be. I’m irritated with him, with God, with myself. *picture me raising a fist to the sky* But then I remember the list I wrote down in my journal and take a deep breath. It was worth it. All the irritation and confusion and care and intention and desires. All the changes and analyzing and praying and crying. It was all worth it. It took about a week or so to get to that point, but I’m there 90% of the time.
With this list of lessons (most about obedience hence the new series), I feel silently equipped for the next season of life, whether that includes a guy or not. I remind myself of the things God has tasked me with to get done, and honestly, I couldn’t get them done in a relationship.
Singleness--right now-- seems incredibly purposeful. And I’m gonna run with it.