I want God to be predictable. I want to know what He’s going to do next. I want to know when exactly He’s going to heal my mom of cancer and when I’m going to meet the guy I marry. I want to know if I’ll even get married. I want to know where I’ll be in ten years and what I’ll be doing. I want to know if my dog will be in heaven with me (many speculate, but I’d like a definitive answer). I want to know if there will be Pizza Rolls in heaven—will we even need to eat in heaven? I have many questions. And I have no answers.
And this is quite challenging for my personality. I like to have resolution. I like to figure out the answer to things and if I can’t, I like to ask questions until I do. I like to know what’s going to happen next. I like to have a plan. So what am I learning right now? How to plan to not have a plan.
I have cried five separate times over the last few days. Not like, pull-yourself-together cries, but more like, wow-you’ve-got-a-lot-on-your-mind cries. And it’s not even sadness. Most of these feel like they are rooted in thankfulness as I get glimpses at what my next chapter might look like and where it might take me. But do I have an answer yet? Nope, sure don’t. I do know it’ll be bold—usually that’s my jam, but sometimes I need a moment before I jump off the ledge.
I think something semi-intimidating about surrendering your life to God is acknowledging we are not in control. And I have MANY circumstances in my life that I can provide as evidence of this.
What I am seeing right now, as in like the last 48 hours, is how attentive God is. He notices every. single. detail. He hears every cry of my heart, even the ones I don’t let with my mouth speak but only whisper in my mind so no one hears. I had a moment yesterday where I was walking with my dog, and the weather was beautiful at the time. Weather has a way of really making my day ten times better. Like if the sun is shining, slightly cool out, birds are chirping and I’ve got a warm cup of coffee in my hand— it’s a wrap. I digress. I was walking the dog. All the wonderful nature things were happening and I had my hot coffee. My breathing felt deeper. My steps felt lighter than they had. And I cried as I laughed at my dog jumping from one elevated patch of grass to the next, chasing a tennis ball that somehow fits in her tiny mouth. And I thought to myself, Lord, this is what life with You is all about.
It’s about being in the midst of uncertainty. It’s about not having the answers, still asking for them but not needing them. It’s about taking a step back and a look up to see Who has your life in the palm of His Hand. These are the types of moments that have brought me to tears lately. And NONE of it is in light of anything I’ve done, other than just repeat I trust You until I begin to believe it again.
There’s a verse I keep coming back to: No good thing does he withhold from those who walk uprightly. Psalm 84:11.
When I think of upright, I think of confident. And I think here, the confidence is that God has our lives figured out, and figured out in a way that will blown our minds. It has nothing to do with our perfect lives, but everything to do with who God is.
If it’s for me, it won’t get past me. If it’s good for me, He won’t keep it from me. If I don’t have it right now, it’s not good for me.
A good thing can become a bad thing if it shows up at the wrong time.
I’m just glad the God I serve is the King of perfect timing.
