I don't trust God with this.

My name is Hannah. I'm 26 (27 next month) and had a mini meltdown recently. I think that's why I've been so quiet on here.

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The demands of work and life, paired with a couple relational disappointments, acted as the sure-fire catalyst for my meltdown. When I say meltdown, I simply mean a little weepy extended phone conversation with my mom. I took a moment to vent of my frustrations and oftentimes, the articulating of struggles actually allows me to work through them. I don't push struggles aside well. I have to face them head on. I've learned to look them in the eye, study them, and create a plan to get rid of them.

My biggest takeaway from the meltdown was not that I need rest (though I do). It was not that I need to sleep more (though I do). It was not that I need to pray more (though I should). My biggest takeaway wasn't realized when someone told me, You're great. You'll meet a guy who will see that. My biggest takeaway wasn't realizing my worth for myself. **I don't think any of us will ever fully know our worth because our worth is rooted in what Christ did for us on the cross & I don't know that we will ever fully understand the weight of that until we are face to face with Him.. which is just overwhelming to think about in the best way.** I digress.

My biggest takeaway was the moment I realized--while talking to a friend on the phone--that I don't trust God with introducing a man who would A) chase after Him in a way that makes me want to run faster, B) find me equally desirable, and C) I'd actually want to hang out with all the time. Honestly, I've been let down a lot this past year. And that's okay. And I'm a little bitter. And that's also okay-ish. But what I'm seeing is this:

God can handle my distrust but my heart can't.

So once I swallowed the distrust for what it was, I began to study it. I began to look at my patterns of thought and behavior, carefully considering where and what allowed the distrust to build. I noticed few people around me are still single at my age. I had become hyperaware of culture's tendency to determine worth through relationship. I became concerned with the idea of dating and meeting someone. I saw that the the truest part of my heart doesn't believe a guy exists who appreciates my dependence on God and independence from the world.

And this is a sad truth because in no way do I think I am better or superior than anyone. Rather, I think my passions and dispositions have put me in a pretty unique spot in the single & dating pool.

I wish I could tell you I prayed a couple times for a more trusting heart and now I trust God with a husband. That I contently journal each night knowing God has prepared some great dude for me. Not the case. The reality of this awareness looks more like fighting my own desires to seek attention and confessing this distrust to others (and now very publicly). My prayers look more honest like, God. I'm not happy about this but I'm going to say I trust You until I do. I'm going to choose to trust You until my heart believes it. But I do feel peace coming in, like the tides are starting to change. If only I'd be curious enough to step in the water...

And maybe marriage isn't part of my story here. I don't believe that to be the case, but I do think willingness is helpful when trying to realign a heart with His. If I'm willing to truly allow my life to be what He's planned it to be, I believe there will be an inherent peace found when in His will. Exhibit A: mini meltdown as a result of forcing my will to be done.

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A year or so ago I recall a very clear phrase being spoken within my prayers (this is a way I perceive His Spirit to communicate with me--nothing audible, just very clearly not my mind at work). When I was frustrated about a--you guessed it--relationship and somewhat ranting to God about getting married, I heard this phrase so clearly that I now have written down:

And what if I don't have a husband in the plan? Is what I've already done for you enough?